So, i have been thinking lately, and there are a lot of parallels between my old relationship, and my most recent one. Except the rolls were slightly reversed. Rather than me being the one who was broken up with, i was the breaker.

She definately loved me the way that I feel like I loved my last one, and I know that I loved her, just not as much as she did me. She definately helped me in every way, and I think she had a picture that I really wanted to go on a mission and that I was going to leave in March or something, and that we would stay together until I left. Obviously March has come and gone and I'm not on a mission. I don't really feel going, so I didn't. Anyways.

I think our breakups were really similar. We both tried to say that we should remain friends, that is, the breaker, wants to remain friends, but I get the feeling that it was difficult for her to be friend, just like it is difficult for me now. My problem is this... now that I know how difficult it was for her, or rather, how difficult it may have been, i don't really know, maybe she got over me in a few days, who knows. anyways, how do I appologize with out bringing up the same feelings that come up when my ex calls me? "Is she calling to appologize, is she calling to say that she was wrong?" Its a hidious paradox. I guess is will all work out in the end. or so they say.

So I spent the bulk of last Saturday at the goings on of my friend Jake's wedding. It was great. I really like his wife, and I think she is a really good match for him. One thing I noticed though, at the bachelor party, and standing around at the wedding, is that i'm the last one. out of all my friends, i'm the only one not married. Not that i had any grand ideas that i would be the first, but to be the last kind of sucks. who am i supposed to hang out with now? I have a lot of single friends, but they are all girls. and i don't really know how to hang out with them, without it looking like i'm interested in them.

so since the breakup, i've been listening to a lot of sad pappy music (hi fidelity reference, dang, thats another break up/ love story movie i gotta watch, i have been stuck on Playing By Heart and Garden State, but i digress). So i made a friend of mine copy this cd for me, and i have been mostly listening to the Damien Rice song Cannonball, and the Bright Eyes song Lua, and the Mark Kozelek cover of If you Want Blood by AC/DC. Anyways, I've been in a few relationships in my day, but i have ended all the adult ones, and this is the first one that got ripped away from me. I have always liked this kind of music, but now it sort of has more meaning. i've always felt an emotional connection to it, but i think now, i have a relation to it.


so tonight i have my first date since the breakup. i wasn't really excited about it or anything, but i am starting to be. at first, when i realized that I had to date again, i got pretty upset. the date wasn't really my idea, but thats ok. i'm sure we will have fun. after the breakup, i sort of said that I needed to be through with that before starting something else. My big indicator, would be that when I hear from her, or see her, that my immediate reaction or thought isn't that she's calling/texting/IMing me to tell me she was wrong or it was all a horrible mistake, which i definately did yesterday, but she messaged me today, and the thought didn't cross my mind. i don't really know if i am official over it, but here we go anyways. I guess dating is back, and its sort of back with a vengance, because I have 3 dates this week. I almost had 4, but there is a party i have to go to on friday. might as well jump all the way in at first right?

hopefully my sad pappy music doesn't drive them away, or make them think that i am crazy and will never get out of this wierd funk i am in...